One of the most fascinating things I've encountered is eavesdropping on a conversation between people during which they slowly convince themselves that something is true. These conversations are usually based on 100% conjecture, preconceived notions and deep, subconscious prejudices. I know this is vague but next time you are listening to, I don't know, say coworkers talking outside your office about someone new in the group, notice how all these assumptions turn to scripture, right before your ears. I shudder to think what is said about me in new groups. Probably that I'm TOO nice or TOO pretty. I mean, clearly.
Two nights ago as I was driving home from work in the cold darkness, I was all alight inside because the guest on Fresh Air with Terry Gross was Trent Reznor. Everytime I hear something about him or listen to something he releases I can't help to feel that familiar flutter, a flutter first born when I watched him spin through the air, untethered, adrift and yet paralyzed. Oh and covered in leather you know what I'm talking about don't you?
|Yeah, you do.|
How could he be from Cleveland? Anyway, his existence was integral to the person I was back then. I bonded with friends and lovers over this man. I spent long hours alone in my room with him. I used to have a ginormous poster of him in my dorm room and I don't have many memories of that time in my life that don't include his voice in the background.
Anyway, he is now an Oscar winning film composer. His next release is the score and soundtrack to David Fincher's "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" and Teri Gross was interviewing him about it among many other things. It was a pretty great interview and one part of it in particular really struck me. It was when he said the following:
I feel great now. I addressed my issues and I continue to address them and I've seen a dramatic change in every aspect of my life. You know? I like myself again, I am able to have mature relationships, I'm able to be a good friend. I'm a father and I think that my art has gotten much better and I enjoy the process of making it now. And i really couldn't ask for more and I feel strangely optimistic about everything.
I mean, how awesome for him. Sincerely that's amazing. Yet it just makes me feel...I don't know....bizarre. My memory of him and of that time is just like gif up there, spinning aimlessly and wallowing in it. I suppose it should make me feel hopeful. Sometimes people come out of their darkness and go on to just be okay. Regardless, I'm grateful for whatever it was that inspired him to make his music, especially "The Downward Spiral." It left a big ol' thumbprint on my brain.
I might spend the day revisiting those albums. This is the first day of my last day (nerrr nerrr nerrr nerr nerr)...