|That time I was served cake in a darkened room by myself.|
It has been raining pretty steadily for the last week with no real signs of letting up for the "long weekend". I put long weekend in quotes because I actually have to work on Saturday. BIG FUCKING SURPRISE, I know. I was downright shocked when I had to "choose" a holiday weekend at my part time job. They are usually SO FAIR about things like that. Ahem.
Speaking of jobs and fairness and assorted other grown up adult things that blow huge chunks, I have expressed to my loved ones that I might be in the throes of a mid life crisis. I'm 36 so I don't know if i qualify for "mid-life" since my plan is to croak at 98, making my mid life approximately 13 years hence, but what do you call that thing where you wake up one morning and realize that you are deeply unhappy with most of your life's choices so far and you want to change careers and houses and undo all of your past romantic relationships and redo your past completely so that at that very moment you were instead waking up an entirely different person, in a different world, with lots of money and time to stay in bed for just one more hour? Is that what men in the 80s felt when they banged their secretaries and bought convertibles and pierced one ear and left their children and grew ponytails? Because that has been the face of mid life crises for me since I was about 12. And it wasn't until (alarmingly) recently that I even realized that women had them too. When I was 25 I thought I experienced a quarter life crisis but I'm not sure that was it and not actually the fact that I drank way too much, way too often. Also, the world had just pretty much blown up and everything seemed to be falling apart so that could've played a part as well. This feels different. Maybe in an old lady kind of way. I don't know. And that is probably what is killing me the most. I DO NOT KNOW.
I have a strong urge to go on and on about this and that's how I know I should stop. I should go sit in a darkened room and eat some cake until this passes.