Tuesday, August 7, 2018

Nothing Special Happening

You wait for a bit of news with most of your body tied to a plank of splintering anxiety, rigid with most of the pain concentrated in your neck and lower back. Your brain is a pile of cold, wet spaghetti. You spend the days preceding the arrival of the news in an odd semblance of routine, rinsing and repeating and polishing up the bits of every day appearances that fall here and there. But all the while there is a light and misty fog that settles over every interaction and action and everything seems distant and undefined. And you'll get intermittent spells of panic that come on like a thunderstorm in August, your thoughts kicking up the debris that you spent most of your energy trying to hide in corners and whipping it all into a frenzy of what if life changes and it is always going to be just like this all the time... never knowing, never resting, always worried, always afraid, always anticipating. 

Then you finally, finally get to the day of the news and you raise your eyes while you still hold your breath and you can see the unbelievable clarity of blue sky beyond the ceiling of the fluorescent lights in the doctor's office, the clouds parting in majesty, the whole world hearing what she just said, what you just heard. Because the news is good. The news is so fucking good you want to put it on a plate and eat all of it with your hands and lick it from your fingertips. You want to hit the rewind button and replay it over and over again.

That's the best (and most convoluted/mixed metaphor) way to explain what it's like to hear that your loved one no longer has cancer. And that happened today. And I'm sitting in my living room on a Tuesday night with nothing special happening and I've never been more grateful for that nothing special. I want to bottle this nothing and keep it close by on a shelf, on display. I need to remember that I own this memory of nothing special happening and it being the most wonderful, awe inspiring feeling possible.

I'm currently in search of a way to pay the blessings forward and I'm taking suggestions. Is there something I can help you with, friend?

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