Where Did I Leave that Fire?--Year end meme

Time again for my year end meme. If you had a great year, good for you! You fared better than 98% of the rest of the planet! If you had a bad year, take heart, everyone's life ends eventually. (Full disclosure: I'm not that great at comforting people.)

1. What did you do in 2013 that you'd never done before?

Went to assload of new places including:  Spain, Austin, Seattle, New Hampshire, Fire Island. Successfully did a tripod yoga headstand.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't actually think I made any "official" resolutions this year but I did write more and I far surpassed my unofficial resolution to watch 100 films (Last count had me at 168).

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I'm aware of.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No and I'm grateful.

5. What countries did you visit?
Spain

6. What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
I want to focus on the things I do have.

7. What date from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
This entire year will be etched upon my memory for various reasons but all in a colorful, Impressionist blur of soft lines. 2013 was memorable indeed.




8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through relatively unscathed.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Communicating what I want.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Um, a Vitamin D deficiency and pink eye. I'm lucky.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plane tickets.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Almost everyone I know personally has come up against one personal trial or another and all have handled it beautifully and gracefully. That's all we can expect from ourselves and each other. (Same as last year and probably will be true until my life ends, and beyond.)

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Most people's behavior normally appalls me.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Travel, booze and that mysterious vortex where money goes and nothing comes back.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? 
Traveling with a group of amazing people.

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
Volume II of Arcade Fire's "Reflektor". Over and over and over again, especially Eurydice and Orpheus.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? a little sadder
thinner or fatter? the same
richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Sleeping, dreaming, writing and laughing

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying about the future. It takes so much time and energy from the present.

20. How did I spend Christmas?
Eating, drinking being happy with the family. (sane as it ever was.)

22. Did you fall in love in 2013?
Unfortunately.

23. How many one-night stands?
700.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Mad Men, as it has been and ever shall be, world without end, amen. (same as last year) However, the last season of Arrested Development was genius as was Orange is the New Black. And Breaking Bad. I watched a lot of TV.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No. Hate is still a waste of time.

26. What was the best book you read?
Again, need to mention a few: Eleanor and Park, Night Film, Love Dishonor Marry Die Cherish Perish, The Peripatetic Coffin
 
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
That I miss all the good albums until the year end lists get published.

28. What did you want and get?
 I wanted to be out and about in the world, doing things. I got it all.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
This is a hard one. In fact, it is impossible to pick one so here are a few standouts: Her, Rust and Bone, Gravity, Before Midnight, Blue Jasmine, 20 Feet From Stardom, Five Broken Cameras.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I worked on my birthday this year but I had a wonderful dinner the weekend before with some people I love and saw a show at one of my favorite local venues. Not too bad. I turned 37. Old.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being satisfied with what I had already. (Same as last year. Someday I'll get it. Someday.)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013? 
Same as it ever was.

34. What kept you sane?
 Honestly? Wine. and Whine. and the close friends and family i have...same as last year, and the year before that.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
The entire cast of Mad Men.




36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I took a break from immersing my brain in politics since it started to become a clanging, indecipherable din but tangentially? Our country's foreign policy and use of drone strikes is horrendous and the ongoing, eternal war on women kinda makes me want to jump off a bridge. Oh and the government shut down. Actually maybe I kept reading about politics but have grown numb?

37. Who did you miss?
Old friends who live far away!

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I've been fortunate to meet some pretty amazing people this year. I can't rank them.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013:
You cannot have everything at the same time and you have to be ok with that. However, wanting everything at the same time is a mark of passion and can stoke all kinds of fires within you.


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: 
I did my usual cock ups in my personal life and I seem to dwell on those so here are two selections, pick your favorite.

 Always keep your heart locked tight, don't let your mind retire, oh
But I just couldn't take it, I tried hard not to fake it
But I fumbled and when I came down to the wire
It felt great, it felt right, oh
But I fumbled and when I came down to the wire
It felt great, it felt right. --The Wire, Haim
 





I saw my shadow looking lost
Checking its pockets for some lost receipt

Where did I leave that fire?
Where did I leave that fire?

Will a stranger find it on a curb idling?
Cold cough and the time zone just short of outer space?
Six o'clock tomorrow a strange voice says to me
I do believe we have a fire lady
You can pick it up if you come down with ID -- Neko Case "Where Did I Leave That Fire?"

You are going to want to rub this, or a trip to Austin, Texas

Oh boy. BEDD is dead. I took a seven day break that was originally meant to be a three day break while I was in Texas. Then I came home, felt depressed that home wasn't anywhere near as cool as Austin. Then Christmas and all familial and friendly accouterments floated to the surface and I felt better. Time off from one of my jobs meant whole days unaccounted for; I am unaccustomed to so much free time with no schedule. Apparently my body is as well since I haven't been awake before 10am this whole week. Each  morning I awoke disoriented, cats appraising me expectantly. How strange to have nothing to do, nowhere to go. I feel indulgent, like maybe the part of "woman who owns fur coats and real strands of pearls" will be played by me, one week only.

Anyway, Austin. Visiting Jason has been on the list for about a decade. Spending time in Spain and later in New York with him was the boost I needed to remind me of the equation: Good friend + Place you have never visited = Go visit now. It seems to dwarf the experience by just saying "it was a really good trip" but that's what it was...a really good trip. Now, how to invoke it out of my brain and into yours. How often in life do I long for a real life Pensieve?

If I told you that on the plane there I had an entire row to myself all the way in the FRONT, would that tell you what mood I was in when I stepped out of the airport into the (mid-December) 65 degree sun of Austin, Texas? How about how Jason drove me directly from the airport to my first tacos of the four days worth of tacos I was destined to eat? There are truly few things I enjoy more than having a coffee or a drink and a long talk with Jason and this trip was rife with that, beginning at the Kerbey Lane Cafe. In fact, out of the ten places on that list in the link, we ate at/visited four of those without ever being aware of that list's existence. I effing love visiting new cities with locals.

I could tell you that we played ping pong at this place outdoors (again, in December) after drinking several cocktails called "Tiger's Blood" and eating candy cigarettes. I noticed at that bar and a few hours before that, while we walked along a street dotted with shops and restaurants that there is nary a beardless young man in Austin and if you know anything at all about me it is that if I had a bumper sticker tattooed on my, uh, bumper it would read "I Brake for Beards." So yeah, I liked the look of the city.

Does it communicate anything to say that Jason's house is situated alongside a creek that practically begs a person to skip stones across it or that one of his roommates is a big furry adorable dog that greets you upon entering the house, belly up as if to say "you are going to want to rub this"?

If I told you that at one point during the trip, Jason and I were driving down a dark, half deserted road on the way to his friend's house listening in rapt attention to the isolated vocals of David Lee Roth's "Running with the Devil" and giggling, would that give you a sense of how I spent my time in Austin? At the end of that road is his friends' beautiful house with a sunken living room and a dark wood piano, and a big bright beautiful kitchen. I wanted to draw hearts around the building. They had built a small fire and my scarf still smells like cedar wood. Mental note: sit around fires more often.

While in Austin, I went to hands down the coolest bar I've ever been to and honestly, I have been to many, many bars. This was the place: The Eastside Showroom. I drank a spectacular Pimm's Cup and caught the end of a performance by Blue Squeeze Box.(I am listening to them as I write this post.) I want to transport that bar to my hometown so I can go in there and live. Another impressive place was called the Whip In which was an Indian restaurant/bar/liquor store/live music venue. I don't know if places like that are unique to Austin but it makes me wish a business like that could open and thrive here.

I visited the Texas State Capitol building. I'm just going to include two pictures to give you a sense what I did there. First, here's Jason in a photo I took from about four floors above.

And secondly, here's a picture of me at the doorstep of the building:

We got to see where Wendy Davis held her filibuster and on a lot of the walls are pictures of various senators and house representatives and oddly, photographs of babies. I asked an employee about these and he said they were included in the portraits to "remind the politicians of who they make laws for" but I just thought it was weird.

I ate my first breakfast taco. Memo to the rest of the world: make breakfast tacos a "thing" where you live. They far surpass breakfast burritos as they are just palm sized, contained deliciousness. I just made my own this morning but I'd much rather see it as an option at the delis up here, right next to everything bagels. Let's get this done.

I spent some time in the biggest motherfucking Whole Foods on earth. It was just so beautiful in there and I wanted to buy all the things while twirling and singing like Julie Andrews. I visited graffiti park and took this

Well, Jason took this because I don't know how to use panoramic on my phone.

I had the pleasure to hang out with several new people, all of whom were intensely cool and incredibly nice and interesting and funny. On one night in particular, I was invited to a girls' night with a group of women who I instantly connected with and when I experience a situation like that,being in a roomful of strangers and feeling at ease immediately I know something unique is happening and it feels like a gift. It made me think of Austin as a swirling vortex, drawing in all this creative, calm energy. I could sense pretty quickly why creative people find their way there and take root. That might be a mixed metaphor but I'm leaving it.

The four days I was in town flew by but it was a great experience and I'm so glad I got to squeeze this trip in this year. It means 2013 was the year of truly great trips. I can only try to top it in the future but it will be hard.

And now, back to long, long, Long Island. I have some year end stuff I want to post and I only have three more days in which to do it. Outlook, not good.

I am a material girl

This is an entirely materialistic post. It serves two purposes: 1) It helps me keep track of things I want to buy when, as often happens, I'm bored and sitting around wanting to spend money that I don't really have. A list like this will prove very useful for those times. 2) It provides ample information for everyone who knows me and eventually wants to buy me a gift. You might think me crass but honestly? If this is any more crass than the periodic lists I get for children each Christmas detailing what "they" want (as opposed to, say, being grateful for what they are given) then so be it. Having said that, check out all this shit I want.

1) This cassette to mp3 converter

I have a plethora (aka an assload) of mix tapes that I want to preserve in their original order from the 90s. I am fully aware that I could likely mine iTunes and the public library for all the original recordings and just compile my own playlists but why? Why not just convert the tapes as they are? Plus, I still can't find that live recording of Concrete Blonde's "Tomorrow Wendy" on that one mix tape I made myself in Bouton Hall, circa 1996.

2) This Law and Order PC game

My ex boyfriend once bought me the Law and Order PC game and it was riddled with bugs and didn't work very well. Plus he kept it in the breakup. But I loved that shit. I haven't had the wherewithall to replace it and frankly, this is the kind of thing that you can only feel good about if someone gives you. Buying it for yourself changes the enjoyment somehow because it is such a lame thing. If getting it as a gift, it is, I don't know, kitschy?

3) Both of the detachable collars in this post

Neither of which are still available from the seller on etsy. I truly wish I could sew or was even remotely crafty in any way.

4) Any
item of
clothing
with a
cat
on it.

While it is true that I already own a variety of cat themed clothing, I am fully committed to becoming the cat lady I was always meant to be. I can't help it. I am charmed by cats and I will wear their visages.

5) An enormous plate of these, cooked to this level of crispness, served with a chilled glass of white wine eaten while overlooking the Plaza Mayor in early afternoon with nothing to do and nowhere to go. If I can't have that whole thing, I'll just take the peppers then.

6)  This door mat

Because it makes me chuckle.

7) This top

Though in all honesty, where in the hell would I wear that? Behind the reference desk to stare at Pizza the Hutt?? There will always be a part of me that will imagine I am Daisy Buchanan. Only browner. And nicer. And less rich. Ok maybe I'll just imagine I have her wardrobe. Though now that I think about it, Daisy was prone to lying around on chaise lounges in the middle of summer in her undoubtedly designer duds. Maybe I could assume a new identity. The Sparkling Librarian?

8) This nativity nesting doll set

I just got a beautiful nesting doll set from my secret Santa at work but before that, my gung ho nesting doll collecting had taken a serious hiatus. It is time to renew my fervor for these.

9) My own pack of Cards Against Humanity

....along with all the accompanying horrifyingly offensive extension packs. I have never laughed so hard playing any game. Well, not since my brother's Mick Jagger impersonation during Cranium that one time.

10) Any piece of jewelery with blue goldstone

Because it looks like the universe inside a tiny stone.

One gigantic red circle

Recently I have spent some recreational time scouring the Long Island want ads for apartments and the NYC want ads for jobs. I have desires to change both things in my life but I have vowed to pursue one or both at a leisurely pace as opposed to my usual frantic, desperate grasping for immediate change. I think I am on the computer often enough and with enough spare moments in the day to qualify these visits to sites advertising housing and employment as a pastime. I'm relieved no one ever asks me how I spend my free time ever because I'd have to be honest and in being honest, I'd have to admit that I spend too much time in the building of a theoretical new life in 2 dimensionally described, poorly photographed apartments after coming home from 8 hours at my sparkling new office where I'm required to know Microsoft Office and be able to lift at least 15 lbs.

 I find myself often wishing for the days when one could make one gigantic red circle around an interesting ad while some peppy music plays in the background. One could be seated at an outdoor cafe over the same cup of coffee for hours with one's khakis rolled up to the calf, tapping the pen against one's teeth, the world a friendly face with sparkling smile. Afterwards, if the meetings and apartments turned out to be duds one could enjoy the satisfaction of writing a large "X" over all the once promising ads. What tangible closure!

Ahhh!

Not that I had the pleasure of doing such a thing that often. When I was old enough to be looking for those life needs in the newspapers, the world was on the cusp of being completely electronic but my brief foray into the satisfaction of a red X made its mark (pun completely intended) on my brain. Craigslist, though in its infancy by the year 2000, was how I ended up finding a variety of things. The less said about that the better.

Still, it is my go to for a lot of things. One of the following statements is a lie. I most recently bought an awesome secretary desk from an ad I found on there. When I left my Jackson Heights apartment six years ago (I just stifled a sob) I was able to sell bits and pieces of my belongings, relatively painlessly through there. I have friends who buy and sell and rent apartments through there. A few of my NYC apartments I got through there. I've successfully had anonymous sexual encounters through there.

Overall my experiences using the site have been positive, despite a few horror stories I've heard. Craigslist was a pioneer in the process bringing people who need and want to give things and putting them in touch (kind of ) anonymously enough at first to dip the toes comfortably in before jumping right in. I've always liked that about the site.

Because there is often dirt in your fries, here's what I never liked about the site: the lies and lying liars who tell them through their ads. I don't think I need to expound on this point: if there is a will to lie, sites like craigslist (and you can go ahead and insert any and all dating sites) provide the way. The latest reminder of this occurred recently when I answered an ad for an apartment.

The photographs provided in the ad made it look charming and rustic, even down to the tin roof and wooden beams. It was advertised as being "walkable" to a nearby village, known for its adorable shops and acclaimed restaurants and the ad highlighted the neighborhood's name, an obvious nod to the surrounding affluence. The asking rental price was alarmingly low but the proof was in the pudding: the photographs.

Well, I called the provided number and I told the landlord, "I'd like to come see the apartment you have for rent but I will be out of town until Monday." His response was "You might want to fit this one in before you leave. I'm already getting a lot of calls about it." He served up a plate of hot, steaming panic at missing out and I swallowed it in one gulp. "Okay." I said, "Can I come by today?"

Before leaving, I Google mapped and street viewed the hell out of the place. One of the red flags I should have picked up on then and there was that there was no street view of the actual building. This apartment is situated on the property of a working marina. There were plenty of photos of speedboats and sailboats and the administrative office of the marina, but none of the apartment building. No matter, I thought. This will be a secluded spot on the water and it will be ideal for writing, something I'll have plenty of time to do since the rent is cheap enough to relinquish at least one job. I could have summer parties on the water and maybe borrow a speedboat for my more 80s inclinations of drinking champagne with a white suited man in Ray Bans and sockless ankles in topsider shoes. Ah, my exciting new theoretical life! And it would all be here, in this affordable water mansion!

Well I drove there one late afternoon. It was gray and almost sundown. I could go into minute detail about what I experienced there, maybe describe to you the sights and smells of a small boat marina in winter, maybe lay out the features of the erstwhile boat mechanic cum real estate agent as he looked at me with simultaneous boredom and impatience. Instead, I will employ the only words I have found to be accurate when I later called everyone I know to describe the "apartment" to them (the quotation marks are intentional): Do you know how in a Law and Order: SVU episode when, say, a hooker is murdered and the detectives are tasked with investigating her life and are led to her apartment. In those episodes she's always a sad, neglected woman with estranged (or no) friends or family and she lives in a hovel, one step away from a crack den with falling apart walls and a decor that can only be described as "shanty"? Well, this apartment that I saw? That's where she lived. Alternately, it was the "apartment" of her murderer, a loner sociopath who collects blood soaked underwear from his many victims and stores them between the rotting wooden beams and the rusted tin roof. So there you go. This "apartment"s description should have read either "a murdered hooker's shanty" or "a sociopath's blood soaked underwear storage facility". Though not literal, they would have given an accurate feel for this apartment.

And so my theoretical new life will have to wait. I also need to get my hands on an actual red pencil. I could technically just go around circling things and then crossing them out. It might be time better spent than on craigslist.

Unsubstantiated Heebie Jeebies

I missed a day. And I'm not backdating because I can only be so much of a cheetah. I attribute yesterday's silence with a few things, not the least of which was that all of yesterday was gray and sleepy. On my way home from the city, I saw a man's black dress shoe in the middle of a busy intersection. It struck me as odd and out of place. And overdressed. Abandoned shoes are usually of the sneaker variety. Seeing it there, abandoned and alone on that street I felt the tone of the day setttle in. Some days are exactly like that shoe: incomplete, random, lonely and simultaneously noteworthy and forgettable all at once. Such was yesterday.

Today I've felt exhausted, physically and mentally. I don't really know why. This isn't a noticeably stressful time, I mean apart from whatever stress the holidays bring. Being a childless, unmarried cat lady, I don't have a lot of the traditional stresses of family dinners and children's needs to attend to so my level of stress stays relatively even. Just this morning, though, I wanted to tunnel through my blankets and arrive in a warm pillow fort and come up with a plan of attack for the rest of the day, the rest of the week, possibly the rest of my life. But I woke up late and groggy and there was no time. I've been feeling out of it and, despite the geyser of caffeine I've tried to foment since about 7am, I'm just getting sputtered out steam. I just don't wanna.

When I worked on Saturday, I noticed that my library had mounted a new poster of Nelson Mandela on the wall. It features a close up of his face with the inspirational quotation: "What can one person do?" Underneath the question it says something that rang very familiar to me: Inspiration. Pass it On. I remembered seeing television ads and a few billboards with that slogan and I'm not sure when or how I equated it with the Mormon church. Each time I've seen that phrase somewhere, I've just automatically drawn a connection to Mormons. I vaguely remember that the TV ads were a little strange because they didn't seem to ever be selling anything or providing any kind of contact information or anything a normal ad does. They just always had a little story about someone doing something moral or kind for someone else. They reminded me of those old Scientology ads they would show in the 90s with vague messages and graphics of volcano-like explosions with quotations about achieving inner power or something. It is all a big blur, frankly (though I still get creeped out by these).

Anyway, the Mandela poster brought this vague feeling of unease for me and I did some cursory research on the organization that published the poster. There is a website on the poster that says values.com. Anyway, and I have to stress this emphatically: I did not do exhaustive research and so I don't know a whole lot about this place. And maybe it says way more about me than anything that I have an instant mistrust of an organization that has "values.com" as its domain name and that pumps a lot of money for expensive advertisements to just say things like "share with each other" and "pass on inspiration" without an obvious agenda but I am suspicious. I approach life with a light dusting of defeatism (more as a precaution than anything) and I'd frankly feel more comfortable if they would take the poster down. However, being a rational adult, I can't very well tell the powers that be "Yeah can you take that down because I have the heebie jeebies?" Also, until I have actually done any research to substantiate said jeebies, I will just have to drop it. Unsbustantiated Heebie Jeebies: Pass it on.

Since I'm talking about heebie jeebies, I'll mention a regular library patron who is here tonight and whom I have dubbed "Pizza the Hutt". You'll remember Pizza the Hut, a character played by Dom DeLuise from the classic film "Spaceballs."

Pizza is gonna send out for YOU.

And since all of you remember him,  you also remember that he made various disgusting noises as he talked and just sat there, oozing cheese and sauce all over the place. The sounds were gooey burps and phlegmy clearing of his throat and wet sighs. Are you grossed out yet? Because this is what I have in front of me at the  moment and every weeknight that I'm at work. The Library Pizza the Hutt (LPTH) has a briefcase, and by "briefcase" I mean several plastic shopping bags filled with crumpled up paper that he prints out from the library. I am, in fact, typing this little mention of him in order to drown out a few of his standard noises, since he is on a tear this evening. One of my coworkers once saw him hanging around an emergency room one night. Wisely, she did not make contact and does not know if he was actually a patient there. Knowing nothing whatsoever about LPTH, I would still be apt to bet a small amount of money on "digestive problems." I will never know. Personally, when I run into strange library patrons outside in the real world (something that happens more often than makes me comfortable) I apply a valuable lesson taught to us all by Lucille Bluth:

I take heart however, my Monday will be over in 90 minutes. Hold me until then?

Abruptly

We had a staff holiday party yesterday at one of my jobs and I am going to blame all the free sugar I ingested on the fact that I forgot to post and had to cop out and reblog something I saw on Facebook. And I had to back date it. So I cheated basically. Sue me.

Today I am meant to go into the city for a small gathering of holiday revelers. It is snowing and promises to snow all day. While it's true that I'm feeling particularly holiday cheer (a mug of mulled wine and some gingerbread would NOT be an unwelcome addition to my day at the moment), I am trepidatious about trekking into Manhattan. It doesn't appear to be prohibitively inclement weather at the moment and if it stays as such, I'll go in. Seeing as I started this post at 11am and it is now 2pm and the snow is of the steady but unaccumulating kind, I'll be going in. Huzzah! I'll get to wear something sparkly and drink something fizzy. What else is life for? I hope Chadley will be there.

My mind is utterly blank today. I often question my motivation to blog every day on days like this, when I've got nothing to say. This is supposed to get me into the habit of writing all the time and to jumpstart my creativity in other writing. Aaaand sometimes that just doesn't work at all. I often wonder how I would fare if I chose to blog every day for a year. I have a very good feeling that I'd have to back date more than one post during those 365 days. I know a few people who have done something every single day for a year. They usually feel pretty good about it. I don't know if I could make that commitment. I don't know if I could make most commitments. I lose focus too quickly and become distracted easily. Hey, remember how great that band/movie "The Commitments"? See what I mean?!

There is a library program happening right now that is some musical performance. The sound is muffled from the main part of the library but I can still hear some trumpets, although they are slightly distorted. In fact, all I hear is the occasional blaring of the trumpets, making it sound like the Honeymooners' theme song over and over again. Yeah, I don't really like that song. However, in the pantheon of television theme songs, I suppose it could be worse. There could have been a harmonica involved in the performance and I could be listening to a muffled version of the "Perfect Strangers" theme song all afternoon.

I have no earthly idea how to end this entry so I think I'll go with "abruptly".

A tumblr-y post.

short and sweet and perfect for a day when I forgot to blog.