I want to stop some of my behavior but apparently I am unable to do so. I find that lately I'm easily able to rationalize behavior that is self destructive, that is soul crushing. I rationalize it with whittling knife. Fuck, I DECORATE that shit with that knife, digging through it, forming it into a souvenir, something you'd put on a key chain. It becomes something I can wear around my neck and show off to strangers, LOOK what I did! SEE how I am unable to be hurt! It actually kind of makes me sad that I often fall into the cliche of self aggrandizement to hide insecurities. I don't know if pretending to be content is self aggrandizement or if it just feels that way inside my head.
Maybe it's just today but I'm a peeled orange. I feel raw and pulpy. With little to no effort you could quarter me and drop me in a blender. I'm just in one of those states of mind that makes falling apart seem a viable option. It could be the collective consciousness of how vulnerable everyone is at all times. It's been what this woman I used to work with would call a week. She'd sigh through the word week and in that one turn of phrase just communicate all that needed to be said and we'd all just go: I know.
So yeah, I'm currently in the market for a new hobby. I mean, I can't actually solve any "problems" I have because I don't actually have any problems. Unless you consider the utter luxury and time it takes to participate in the mini dramas of my brain a problem.. (Oh these little earthquakes...here we go again.) And I cannot do that. So I'm looking to do what I presume we all look for: distraction. It can't be too thinky. Or difficult to learn. I don't feel up to challenging my brain to work any more than it does. I want the opposite effect. You know, along the lines of drinking but with no biochemical effects or self loathing the next day. I don't know. Maybe trepanning?? It seemed to be worth the effort in the middle ages. Everything old is new again.
|Detail from The Extraction of the Stone of Madness, a painting by Hieronymus Bosch depicting trepanation (c.1488-1516) aka A viable alternative to drinking.|