Bathing, blind sleeping, movie watching.

I apologize (to myself) for neglecting the blog this month. I lifted my corpulent mass this morning from my bed where I lay prostrate atop my now ruined quilt (THANKS GRETA THE CAT) slowly this morning and discovered that it was already the 19th. Once you get past the 15th of the month, you have passed the point of no return. Or maybe I just think that because the bulk of my expenses happen to come due on the 15th of every month and paying bills instills a deadening clang of mortality in my soul and everything feels like the point of no return with each email confirmation from each creditor that yes, we have received your payment and that yes "You live to work." Wow, ok. Maybe this opening tangent offers explanation to my blogging absence.

In the interest of lightening the mood, I'd like to discuss my recent adaptation of some time worn methods of relaxation that I always kind of knew about, but never really participated in. For example I've been...

...soaking in long, hot baths and reading. I've limited the reading material to magazines because I find myself afraid of ruining a book. I know if my pets weren't terrors on four legs I'd prop candles all around. I know if I was a smoker (and my apartment building allowed it) I'd smoke cigarettes in there. I'd play my green ukulele in there. Just sit in that bath for hours upon hours until I was a large brown raisin. Lately I've been sighing loudly enough for people in my immediate vicinity to ask me if I'm okay. What I never admit is that when I'm sighing like that, I'm imagining that I own a place with a claw footed bathtub in stark white porcelain with delicate and detailed feet. Big enough for two, maybe three people. And a small waterproof library built into the wall next to it. Maybe a mobile bar cart with airplane sized servings of gin. Alas, my reality appears in the form of a windowless bathroom with a plastic bathtub that if you look in your own bathroom you probably have the exact replica of and it is just kind of plunked down on the cold tiles, footless, shallow and gathering mildew, always. However, I'm lucky to have a bathroom to myself and I treasure it as much as if this were my bathroom:

I expect in the afterlife to awaken inside this bathroom with a plate of avocados, sliced and salted next to me.

Relaxation attempt part two includes wearing an eye mask to sleep. In my younger years I was paranoid to do this because, like most self-centered individuals, I often found myself lying awake at night imagining that there was every possibility that a meteor was going to strike my bedroom, or an airplane was going to fall out of the sky on top of my house or that some crazed lunatic was going to break into my bedroom through the window. Good thing NONE of those things happen, eh? Heh. However, I'm older and less paranoid, believe it or not and frankly, I need to sleep more than I get and also, even if any of the aforementioned things were going to happen to my apartment, the ability to see for a few seconds longer without the mask over my eyes isn't going to save me. And so far, it has been helpful to my rest. Well it was helpful for the week I was doing it before one of my cats got hold of the mask and either ate it or hid it behind something unreachable because I can't seem to find it. But it falls into the category of relaxing stuff that people have known about/been doing for thousands of years but that I just started doing. Yes, I made a category for that.

In addition to those two fascinating and relaxing things, I think perhaps my activities of the first six weeks or so of 2013, have relaxed me. I've been participating pretty heavily  in passive observation, mostly watching a massive amount of films and reading a bunch of stuff. I just realized as I reread that participating in passive observation is an oxymoron and likely one that is entirely unique to our current times. Or maybe it isn't. I don't know why but I just thought of gladiators in the Colosseum. Yet another digression. I have also allowed myself time to just think. Thinking without trying to fill up time or space in my brain with something from the outside is something we rarely do anymore, mainly because there is no time. I guess doing this is my form of meditation but in reality is the opposite of meditation. Meditation is supposed to be done with a clear mind and instead I'm just allowing my mind to go where it wants to. I do find I have to put a time limit on that though because I'm prone to reveling and/or being morose and/or perverted and that just defeats the purpose. Regardless, my focus has been clearer than it has in awhile and strangely I think I can chalk that up to sheer concentration on something as opposed to the consistent deluge of distraction that often attacks me.

There is also a lot of relaxation to be found in watching a film, even a challenging one. I needed to redirect my focus because I was turning into a phone zombie. THANKS iPhone. So watching a film of average length is another outlet that is helping me to both relax and concentrate.

Let's put aside the fact that though this new found concentration has lent itself very well to my other writing, it has done nothing for the quantity nor quality of this blog. And for that, I once again apologize. To myself. Not to you. I don't owe you anything. Why don't YOU write a blog? No but seriously, write one and I'll add it to my google reader and read it all the time for realz.

Peace out, January.

First month down, 11 more to go and we will be in an even numbered year and the world will be fine and so will we all.

Sometimes I just need to reassure myself in these ways. Anyway, on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being "assy" and 10 being "titsy", I'm going to give January, 2013 a solid 7 which has no made up adjective as of yet. Not brilliant, not horrible. At the beginning of this year I vowed to try not to waste any time doing useless things. I accomplished it pretty much apart from January 1 when I wanted to die of a hangover and one random Saturday when I was sick.

I went to two parties this month, one with strangers and one with good friends and had great times at both. I drank but not too much. I lost 3 pounds. I improved my French by accident due to the shuffle feature on my iPod. Voulez-vous quelque chose boire? 

I got back into yoga and remembered why I started doing it to begin with and I also noticed how my knees are changing, painfully.

I spent some QT with my grandparents over ojaldras and tajadas and that crappy instant coffee with instant creamer that they insist on loving.

I finished (almost) a poem I've been working on for months and as a result, I've learned a lot about how crops are harvested and the history of sowing seeds. Don't ask.

I started a log of all the movies I've watched. Here's the list for January:

Reprise (2006)
Naked (1993)
Death in Venice (1971)
Loves of a Blonde (1965)
Lincoln (2012)
Henry and June (1990)
The Apartment (1960)
10 Years (2012)
Game Change (2012)
Good Will Hunting (1997)
Looper (2012)
Cosmopolis (2012)
Beasts of the Southern Wild (2012)
Daisy Miller (1974)
Sophie's Choice (1982)
Liberal Arts (2012)
The Words (2012)
A Slipping Down Life (1999)
Bridesmaids (2011)
Tonight You're Mine (2011)
Why Stop Now? (2012)
Ruby Sparks (2012)
Pitch Perfect (2012)
Immortal Beloved (1994)
Clandestine Childhood (2011)
Chasing Ice (2012)
The Gay Divorcee (1934)
Boeing Boeing (1965)
Once Upon a Time in Anatolia (2011)

I have refrained from putting my star rating on these because I'm not a film critic nor do I pretend to be. I just like movies. However, there were some big time stinkers on this list. Along with some truly fantastic ones. I also included films I have seen before because I did watch them all the way through. My plan is to make a dent in my perpetual Netflix queue.

I also read five books so far which is probably the most I've read in one month in a pretty long time. They were mostly young adult novels which used to be a qualifier but the genre has morphed into a force to be reckoned with so yeah, I read five novels. No qualifier necessary.

There is still one more day to go. What shall I do with this day? Oh ok, then. I'll work.

I love a good nose.

Following a tip from a library patron, I requested and received the book "The Obits Annual 2012" and I don't know why, but I'm excited to read them. I just reread the obituary of Tony Curtis, one I read when it was published back in 2010. I've always enjoyed Tony Curtis, even read his biography. I like him so much, probably because not only have I been completely mesmerized by his acting at least twice (please see Sweet Smell of Success immediately if you have not already. I'll lend it to you) but his dalliances and perpetual divorces and marriages have provided the part of my brain that fills up quickly with celebrity nonsense with some bit of satisfaction. It could have just been the lips and the eyes though. And the nose. I do love a good nose.

I mean, seriously?

Anyway, it was finely written obituary, as the ones in the Times generally are, pulling no punches about the steady decline of his career after the high highs of the 1950s and 1960s and employing amusing irony. His birth name was Bernard Schwartz. His final screen role was in an indie from 2008 and his character's name was Mr. Schwartz. I remember, after reading his biography, I looked for interviews about him writing it (apparently I'm fully a product of the need to know everything world we live in now.) The reviews and interviews were always accompanied by current photos and stories about his life at the time. There was one that described him doing a book signing at a Costco in Nevada and it was at exactly that point that I stopped reading anything current about him; I didn't even finish the article. I want Tony Curtis to remain the glamorous, gorgeous movie star with his lovely wives and his dress in drag performances, his bootstrap childhood and his good nose. I don't want to think about him signing books at Costco. I've never had a taste for salty and sweet together.

Anyway, that was a huge digression and I have no clue what I originally wanted to say in this blog post. Something about how I truly enjoy the way obituaries whittle us down to size while at the same time providing a profound record of the fact that we existed at all. I like how significant our insignificance sounds in obituaries. They seem like life's concentrate. I'm making a mental note to read more obituaries.

Vegetable Fried Rice

I disappointed myself this morning by being unable to match anything with a tangerine colored dress I bought on whim (as though I ever buy anything with any semblance of thoughtfulness) a few months ago. I wanted to radiate orange today but found myself incapable of doing it seamlessly. And when you wear a color like tangerine, you really need to wear it correctly, lest you look like a cartoon character. Or someone who wants attention. Last I checked, I'm neither so I'm considering giving the dress away. It only cost me $5. Do you want it?

I'm working today, what could be the last "warm" day of a warm January. While those of you not unfortunate to be at work today, somewhere in the middle Atlantic are holed up in your residences tomorrow, being protected from the frigid cold that is forecast, you'll be able to find a harbor in the tempest of your memory of today. You'll be able to close your eyes and remember frolicking through tall grass in tangerine dresses, barefoot and ecstatic and you'll feel all warm inside. By contrast, I'll remember today as not being able to see outside from the reference desk and not actually seeing sunlight since I don't get out of here until 5pm. And I'll pull my blanket up to my chin and shudder at the memory of my coworker having to look up zip codes for an hour for a mumbling patron as a chill settles in. O the humanity.


Sometimes I don't mind losing things if it means I can find them one random day again, suddenly, like being given a gift from the sofa cushion or the bottom of a shoe or a broken drawer in an old dresser. Back in September of last year I lost this white pendant that bought at a summer festival somewhere out here in the vast expanse of Long Island. I loved the pendant not because there is anything particularly special about it but because of the things that happened on the day I bought it. It was token I could wear and rub between my fingers and conjure up even the memory of smells and sights and emotions of that hot August afternoon. On the day I wore it last I was wearing a scarf and one moment I was walking around town doing errands or meandering, (often they are one in the same) and the next moment I couldn't find the pendant anywhere. I can't remember too clearly but I'm reasonably certain I cried about it like a big dumb baby. Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I woke up at 7am with hours to kill and an apartment that was slowly turning into a dismal futuristic desert a la Solarbabies,

Dramatization, not to scale but otherwise accurate

I started to clean. But  not just dust and organize but the kind of cleaning you do with gloves and a face mask on, when you pull out all the vacuum's attachments and actually lift cushions. Anyway, I moved my couch so I could vacuum behind it. And lo and behold, what did I find? My pendant!! It was in a nest of dust bunnies which also could have been mistaken for Gizmo.

 

 

Picture him wearing a white pendant, the little scamp.

 

 

 

 

 

One of my cats could have been responsible since they can be such dicks sometimes. It also could have been entirely my fault, I'll never know. I know only this: that feeling of happiness and relieved surprise, I want to bottle it. I hold out hopes even today, three weeks after the fact, that I'll find my scarf, so callously left behind by my drunken self in my favorite local bar. Someday.

I don't now, nor have I in awhile, too much else to report. So far, 2013 has been decent. Not mind blowingly, tangerinely awesome or dismal but I like it that way anyway. If I had to pick a phrase that would describe what I'm thinking about right now as I end this blog, one that I can look back on when I can't sleep and I'm worrying that blogging about such nonsense is annoying to everyone, yeah when that happens I'll read this phrase and remember that I was thinking, with unsettling intensity about vegetable fried rice. I wish it was something more profound but what can I say? I'm in a mood.

A week of observations

2013 is 7 days old. Here's a bulleted list of what I've observed so far:

• Don't drink champagne. This one is specifically for me but may apply to you. When you drink champagne, you spend the entire next morning wishing you were dead and/or capable of travelling through time either forwards to wait out the hangover or backwards to hide ALL of the champagne.
• Don't ever plan on calling out sick from work. When you do that, you will get sick and the congestion will not leave your body until even your cats seem disgusted with you.
• Sometimes, through the haze of liquid cold remedies and used up snotty tissues, all you need is a GQ magazine with Bill Murray on the cover to get you through.
• When you actually decide to shut your mind to the endless stimulation of things like television, the internet and your damn iPhone, you can read three novels in two days, all the more remarkable considering it took you four months to finish the last one you read.
• Going to the movies alone is one of life's great, unsung pleasures. Do this as often as possible. It is especially fun when you sit next to someone just chatty enough to talk to you before the movie, but polite enough to shut up the rest of the time. There are bonus points for sitting next to an old, obviously married for an eon couple that has this conversation:

                Woman: I feel nauseous, I can't even tell you how.
                Man (annoyed. this is how I know they were married b/c who else would get 
                annoyed at someone for feeling nauseous?): 
                Why? What the hell is wrong with you?
                Woman: I might throw up.   
                Man: I don't know you.
                Woman: I'll aim for your face.
                They kissed after this exchange.

• QVC, HSN,SNBC....all 24/7 shopping networks are mesmerizing in the way that old timey hypnotists were mesmerizing for someone who loves to shop. They are also, however, very useful for background noise and a good way to not spend money by taking the instant gratification of buying out of the equation: I don't WANT to wait for that ring shaped like a diamond frog. I'd feel better if I could just have it now. (Addendum: seeing "celebrities" on these channels including but not limited to Joan Rivers, Isaac Mizrahi, one or more Kardashian, etc.) is so depressing and I can't figure out why. Btw, I might get Joan Rivers' glitter scarf.
• Sometimes the only way to feel like you are on your way to getting what you want is to give up in your mind and heart and soul; just let go of the want and it can quite literally begin to happen. This one has to be perfectly cryptic since what I'm talking about hasn't fully happened yet but certainly did begin today.
• If you do something like, say, volunteer at a local indie movie theater and that theater decides to throw a party for their volunteers, go to the party. You will have fun. You will meet interesting people who know what you are talking about and have their own stories. 
• After spending about four days essentially marooned in your apartment, buried under snotty tissues with your nose in a book and your voice on hold, it is so nice to meet new people over tiny plastic cups of wine and a beautiful spread of cheese and crackers and grapes in January. 
• When you make an onion casserole, be prepared for your apartment to smell like cooked onions for a week. 
• Take drowsy cold medicine before 9pm so you can sleep a full six hours before getting up to officially start your week.
• Finish your blog before the meds kick in.

My end of year meme--woo hoo!

1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?
I slept overnight in a museum, I tried a pickle martini, I visited Disneyland.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't actually think I made any this year. It is generally an act in futility since I almost invariably fail but (insert some vague phrases including "tattoo, 5k, 100 books and 100 films").

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes! Marianne went and had herself a baby boy with cheeks for the squeezing.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. My Mima died after a long, beautiful, wonderful life. I miss her all the time.

5. What countries did you visit?
I did not leave the country at all this year. I did get to Chicago and California, however. 2013 is a travelling year.

6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
I want to focus on the things I do have.

7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
This was kind of a crappy year if I'm being honest. In the interest of not dwelling on the negative, I won't even record the two dates of this year that are etched upon my memory because they are too sad.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Um, I guess blogging everyday of the month of August?

9. What was your biggest failure?
i don't like to think about failure.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
no thank goodness.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
A frame for my Great Gatsby print. I look at it every single day as it hangs above my bed and I love it.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Almost everyone I know personally has come up against a personal trial or another and all have handled it beautifully and gracefully. That's all we can expect from ourselves and each other.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
85% of the drivers out on the road in ny state. most people's behavior appalls me.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Clothes. Pathetic. Live shows. Oh and booze probably.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
The many, many concerts I was fortunate to attend this year.

16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
"The Night" by Exitmusic as I must have listened to that one track over 500 times.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
happier or sadder? a little sadder
thinner or fatter? thinner
richer or poorer? the same

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
travel. writing. exercise. being more at ease and less restless.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining. Wasting time wishing I was elsewhere. I spent too much time this year doing that. As soon as I stopped, I felt so much better.

20. How did I spend Christmas?
eating, drinking being happy with the family.

22. Did you fall in love in 2012?
with a pair of glitter shoes.

23. How many one-night stands?
This is a dumb question.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
mad men, as it has been and ever shall be, world without end, amen.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
no. hate is a waste of time.

26. What was the best book you read?
This is hard to narrow down but I'm going to have to say "This is How You Lose Her" by Junot Diaz.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
exitmusic

28. What did you want and get?
i wanted to be content. I mostly got it.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
This was a tie between "Moonrise Kingdom" and "Oslo, August 31"

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I saw a midnight screening of "The Room" and also had a dinner of fondue with friends. I turned 36. I'm an old ass bitch.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Being satisfied with what I had already.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Sparkly, boots and Greta Garbo's hats.

34. What kept you sane?
honestly? wine. and whine. and the close friends and family i have...same as last year!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Bill Murray, my imaginary husband.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Take your pick. It was an election year.

37. Who did you miss?
Mima

38. Who was the best new person you met?
i don't have an answer for this.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
You can, through the sheer power of your perception, be the happiest person you can if you choose it. Holding on to anger is the quickest way to a life of misery.


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Since I spent a lot of time in 2012 working on altering my perception of things I think this lyric from Bright Eyes sums it up nicely:

And we'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve 
Of Love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole.
But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall.
Then I think we would see the beauty there.
And stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.

--from Bowl of Oranges

A "C" List Christmas-- a Glog by Marianne R

Today my great friend and ever popular glogger, glogs yet again! Enjoy!

Well, it's nearly a new year, which means any minute the stores will be putting out Christmas products for Christmas 2013! I love the holidays mostly for the anticipation of what is to come....and what usually comes is more cookies, more cake, another glass of wine and more cheese!  I'm a sucker for anything Christmas related, and that goes for cheesy holiday movies. I don't mean "Christmas with the Kranks" or "Jingle All the Way". I'm talking about those made-for-tv Hallmark Channel, ABC Family and Lifetime movies. These movies, by the way, were made especially for me this year.

I challenged myself to two things in 2012: reading 100 books and eating all flavors of Ralph's Famous Ices.  Instead, my husband knocked me up and we had a baby in October. I was 75% through with both my challenges and for reasons including, but not limited to: lack of sleep, lack of time, lack of money, lack of sensibility, and a diet rich in hydrogenated oils, I was unable to complete my challenges and this really depressed me.

Being on Family Leave (apparently there is no such thing as Maternity time when you have a Master's degree) afforded me ample time to sit uncomfortably on my couch for 13 weeks straight with the cutest baby, Reid, ever born (seriously, I'm not biased, ask Allison how cute he is) and napping in my arms. I started my time "off" watching "Band of Brothers" and if Reid decides to become a Paratrooper, it is clearly my fault. As the holidays approached, I decided to instead watch every holiday movie I can squeeze in between changing diapers and goo-goo'ing and ga-ga'ing. Besides, I figure the sounds of holiday love and kissing under the mistletoe would have to be less traumatic to an infant then someone from Easy Company getting blown up in a foxhole. After watching nearly the entire "Beverly Hills, 90210" and "Saved by the Bell" cast in several holiday movies, I would have to disagree with my original thought about which is more damaging to an infants' tender ears.

I didn't want to set myself up for another let down so instead of putting a number on these movies, I just decided to watch as many as I could. The only complaint came from my husband who watched his Tivo box go from 10% full to nearly 40% full...of holiday cheer, that is.

The thing about these movies is that they only have "C" List Actors. We're talking about actors that haven't been in anything since the 80s or the siblings of famous actors. Like Haylie Duff, Hilary's lesser known older sister, in "All About Christmas Eve".  Much like Gwyneth Paltrow in "Sliding Doors", we view Haylie's holiday in two separate scenarios: she misses her flight and she makes her flight. The catalyst to this separation is her breaking a heel as she is running through the airport. Who wears heels on a plane anyway? How about this guy? Do you recognize him?

I bet the folks in Germany do.

I actually sat through this movie, and by "sat" I mean, I fell asleep for the entire 2 hours. I wish I hadn't though. "The Christmas Consultant" is going to be a classic for years to come. Some might say that it is 'timeless'.

Most of these movies follow the same format as past movies that did really well. Much like a Nora Roberts or James Patterson novel. They know what works and what sells so why try anything new? Just change the character names and the location and BAM! Instant hit! The most popular format for a Christmas movie is the "relive the day until you get it right". This became classic in Bill Murray's "Groundhog Day". But on ABC Family, this classic becomes the "12 Dates of Christmas" and "The Christmas Do-Over" and "Christmas Everyday" and I'm sure countless others but this is all I was able to watch. I'm pleased to say that "12 Dates of Christmas" was actually a decent movie, a favorite, if you will. And yes, in case you are wondering, Amy Smart finally gets everything right on Christmas Eve, after like, the thousandth time of reliving it, and finds happiness with Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Actually, if he's starring in "Franklin & Bash" as either Franklin and/or Bash, does that make him a B or C list actor? Either way, kudos to them for really getting this formula, for making a classic made-for-tv-movie, right!

Another gem would be "The Dog Who Saved Christmas" starring Dean Cain and the voice of Mario Lopez, as Zeus, the frisky Labrador Retriever, who....well, who saves Christmas. Zeus is left home alone on Christmas Eve while his owners go off to Grandpa's house. A pair of burglars break into the house, and it is up to Macaulay Culkin  Zeus to set up booby traps around the house and save Christmas! Instant. Classic.

As part of Lifetime's, "It's a Wonderful Lifetime" of nonstop Holiday movies, I watched "12 Men of Christmas" with the starring role going to Kristin Chenoweth, someone who is not annoying at all. She plays EJ Baxter, a headstrong New York City Publicist who loses her job and has to move to Montana, apparently the only state where she is not blacklisted in her career! She needs to bring tourism to this small town. Guess who her assistant is? Anna Chlumsky, of the "My Girl" fame. Ok, now guess how they raise money for the town? Give up? They create a calendar of 12 real Montana-ian men in real life situations, like chopping wood, fishing, and having a picnic, but in half their clothes. Sounds a little like "Calendar Girls" with Helen Mirren, doesn't it? It also screams Christmas, right?

Ok, let's say I had a second favorite. If I had to choose, it would be "Holly's Holiday", which doesn't star anyone famous. However, it does follow the format of an 80's classic, "Mannequin." You see, Holly dreams of the perfect life with the perfect man. And apparently perfection only comes in a mannequin that she passes every day on her way to work that one day comes to life after she slips on the sidewalk and hits her head. Do they fall in love? You bet! But do you think he's really all that perfect? Do you think that love was right under her nose the whole time with one of her coworkers? I don't want to give those answers away, you will have to wait until 2013 to watch for yourself. But until then, enjoy this interlude:

I can't end this glog without having mentioned "Holiday in Handcuffs". Mario Lopez gets kidnapped by Melissa Joan Hart and is forced to pretend he is her boyfriend when they spend the holidays with her asshole parents. Do they fool them? Of course! And do they fall in love? Of course! What would an ABC family holiday movie be without a Patty Hearst spin. But once the police track them down at a cabin in the woods, Clarissa has to explain it all to her family and the comedy ensues.

Ok well, this was how I spent the last month of my Family Leave with my new son. Please don't think me a bad mother for subjecting him to these programs. We spent plenty of time singing Christmas carols, and dancing, and reading books. Besides, I think he especially enjoyed Tori Spelling's singing in "The Mistle-Tones" (soundtrack available on abcfamily.go.com).