In other news, I haven't blogged much. I have been insanely busy. This coming year promises to be nonstop. I can't say this upsets me but sometimes I'd like a moment to breathe. I am beginning to understand, however, that this is how I fill up my own personal void; I drown it out with work and places I have to go to and people I have to see. I suppose there are worse ways to fill the void. I can, however, see this becoming a problem at some point but that point has not arrived so let's just plug up our ears and la-la-la for awhile, mkay?
Despite my days being nonstop, I have been doing some introspection. I don't think I am capable of living a full day without being sucked into my own navel. I know it annoys me so I cannot even imagine what it does for my close friends and family members. Mostly what I've been thinking about lately is challenges. Specifically, how I tend to avoid challenges at all costs.
I'm always a little awed by people who take challenges without being forced to. I have met so many people who willingly take on challenges, whether it is mental, emotional or physical and lately I've come to realize that that concept is almost completely foreign to me. I try to learn new things all the time but the things I try to learn are almost always things I am almost completely positive I can do. For example, the last time I truly challenged myself to do something, it was a few years ago and it involved weight loss. In fact, nearly all my physical challenges involve weight loss, but not a specific exercise goal like running a 5k or lifting a particular weight amount or even getting to a goal number on the scale. My "goals" are always nondescript and general. "I'd like to lose around 20 pounds." I think subconsciously I've always wanted to keep things like that general so that if I didn't hit the exact goal, it would feel less like failure. I know I can lose around a number of pounds so I give myself that leeway; I am very easy on myself and I'm beginning to feel like this is a detriment.
This is something I would really like to change. I'd like to set specific goals and then I'd like to work really hard to meet them. I don't really know what that feels like. People have said "well you finished graduate school!" What I rarely admit is how easy graduate school was for me. At worst I found it time consuming but when it came to grasping the concepts and doing what needed to be done to finish the coursework, I always had the suspicion that I was doing something wrong precisely because it was incredibly easy for me. I think I may have intentionally picked the degree that was easiest and I intentionally ignored the one that I was most passionate about just in case I didn't do well. Classic avoidance.
Ok, so now I know that I want to challenge myself. What should I do? I don't want to be forced into doing something that challenges me. I want to be the master of my own fate (or at least believe in the illusion of control that drives so many people.) What is more than likely going to end up happening is that I will come up with a bunch of different scenarios and I'll dissect them all into tiny little parts that become so distorted by my breaking them down that I no longer recognize them as challenges and I'll have lost interest by then. THIS IS WHAT I DO. See how annoying this is?
Anyway, that's what I've been thinking about. What have you been thinking about?
Oh and for no other reason than the word "challenge" reminds me of it, here's the video to the beautiful New Pornographers song.
is there something you've always wanted to do? a skill to learn or perfect? for me it would be something like taking on a mariner's compass quilt or learning german. or learning to drive! maybe you have a fear to conquer? could be anything!ReplyDelete