Ten Years Ago Today

Here is one from the archives.

May 14, 2003

a heart that's filled up like a landfill

Mood:   lazy


i've entered that all too familiar stage where i become melodramatic. you know that stage. the one where your heart is just one big open wound?
this is a quality i happen to find abhorrent in others and even more so in myself, most likely because i tend to be melodramatic all the time in matters of the heart.
in any case, i don't intend to document the melodrama in any public sorta internet kinda way. i record my entrance into this phase only as a means of explanation and reminder to myself. melodrama tends to brim and trickle into other little corners.

in other news, the coolest librarian ever wants to check my references. this is a VERY good sign in favor of me getting the job. one of the best things about it happens to be that i've grown used to my brand of poverty, so there will be no major adjustments. as long as i'm able to pay rent and feed myself, i'll be fine. oh and then the drinking,etc.

it became official today. i have lost 20 pounds exactly. i'm celebrating by eating. one of my only allies in this battle has been SUBWAY sandwiches. feuders has opted out of the chain as a whole but i shall champion it 'till the day i die. subway 4-eva.



I read things from so long ago...not that ten years is really, REALLY that long ago and I often cannot believe that I was ever that person. I wrote the above when I was 26. Jesus. I keep grasping for a memory of this time in my life that would cause me to feel melodramatic and then I remember, I am still always melodramatic in my head. And I still shy away of appearing so in in any public sort of way. I just wish I could remember this particular melodrama.

Regarding the "coolest librarian ever"...I have absolutely no idea who this was and I suspect it was for a job that I didn't end up getting. I was on the verge of finishing my Masters degree so I know I was shopping around for a job and I recall having many, many, many interviews back then (unlike now when I cannot even PAY someone to interview me) but clearly this person couldn't have been that cool since I don't recall who it is. I still make room in my budget for "drinking, etc." as some things will never change.

I remember dieting like a crazy person during this time and despite the fact that I fancy that, when it comes to weight loss, I am the female Luther Vandross with all the accompanying ups and downs of body weight, it was around this time that I got to my absolute skinniest adult weight. And the part about Subway is true. I was eating it all the time, multiple times a day sometimes. I was a graduate student and I think I just substituted pizza and burgers for Subway. I needed to save my money for the aforementioned drinking, etc. Also, I am reminded that this was a time before I even understood how good actual, real food could be so I was satisfied with Subway most of the time. There was a hilarious guy that worked at the one near my apartment in Astoria that fumbled through incredibly awkward pick up lines on every single woman that walked in the restaurant. Over that year I saw him strike out with the old, the young, the brown, the white, the tall, the fat...you name it. One of his attempts towards my sister has become a 10 year long joke that we will repeat back and forth to each other sporadically. So at least that came out of it.

Also, the "feuders" that is mentioned is the online name of a friend I met through my previous online journal who I knew for awhile and hung out with a few times in real life. At some point he never called me back and I have no clue what happened to him. There are quite a few people from that period in my life for which this is the exact same story line. Happily there are also quite a few people I met during that era who I still keep in touch with and that fact always amazes me.

Looking back a decade makes me feel like boats against the current level nostalgia. In this case, my nostalgia is fuzzy but damn, I was really 26, once. That's bizarre.